…and now I’m a Cocksacker

Thankfully for many most readers, my posts are becoming more and more spaced out.  Not spaced out as in weird (no one would consider my posts weird), but spaced out as in more time between posts.  I don’t have much to report these days regarding my brawl with health issues.  This is a good thing, don’t get me wrong, but maybe this blog has run its course.  Maybe it’s time.  Mayb

HOLY SH*T!  Cancel the blog burial.  It lives!

Just in the f-ing nick of time, I’m diagnosed with Coxsackie Virus!  What the?!  Did you just call me a cocksacker?

Friends, you can’t make this sh*t up.  It’s for reals:  Coxsackie Virus

Cocksacker Virus (as it must be known from here on out) is a childhood disease, transferred like wildfire between toddlers in snot-infested Romper Rooms from sea to shining sea.  My docs reminded me that I am literally a toddler when it comes to my re-booted, immature immune system, so it should be no surprise that I am a 53-year-old cocksacker.  I really must stop with the thumbsacking.  You may recall I recently battled another childhood illness, Chicken Pox that landed me in the all too familiar City of Hope clink for a week.  Just one more reminder (besides the potty humor obsession and simple mindedness) that I truly am a MAT – Middle Aged Toddler.

mad-cow-cockscker-version-2As soon as I learned that another (though nowhere near as classic) name for the Cocksacker Virus is Hand, Foot and Mouth Disease, my MAT mind exploded into a glorious tantrum.  This is that demented mad cow thing that dominated the news a few years back, isn’t it?  I’m gonna die an agonizing death as a deranged half bovine/half kindergartener beast frothing at the mouth while trying to devour my own deformed hooves, aren’t I?  They’re gonna find me stiff as a f-ing board out in a field somewhere with a psychotic expression on my spotted, oversized cow head face, right?  I’m gonna go completely unhinged when I discover my arms and legs growing hooves, I know it!  I got too close to those f-ing bulls in Pamplona, didn’t I?  I should have known when that Holstein peed on me in Iceland, huh?

Don’t have a cow, Jos, you cocksacker!  Calm the f down!  No relation to the mental mad cow thing.  You’ll have a fever and sore throat for a couple of days, then a blister rash in your mouth and on your feet and hands for about a week.  No big.  Toddlers deal no prob.

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My right hoof

Want to know the truth, readers?  You’re dying to ask me, “It can’t be that bad, being a childhood illness and all, right?”  Thanks for the superb question.  Truly.  Excellent blog fodder.  Here’s the truth:  It feels like the bottoms of your feet have been suncharred like you’ve never been suncharred before ~ blowtorched and bubbly.  Just when you think you’re going to writhe into death, that terrifying clown dude starts chasing you through a field of glass chards, white hot jagged coals and razor blades.  Have no idea how the toddlers do it.  Bucket List on hold for this cocksacker.

 

Posted by

I am a survivor of two extremely rare diseases, thanks to over 100 blood transfusions and ultimately, a bone marrow transplant. My blog, joselynsbrawl.com, chronicles my adventures through medical offices, operating rooms, clinics, transfusion centers, hospital transplant floors, victory celebrations, and finally my bucket list items – all with a humorous and sometimes profane twist. My goal is to inspire others not to give up on life or anything else, and to understand that it’s actually possible to enjoy any experience, even battling a life-threatening illness (or two).

22 thoughts on “…and now I’m a Cocksacker

  1. Oh Jos! What a pain in the hoof. Better load up on baby Tylenol and triaminic and curl up in your blanket for a while. I hear Sesame Street is still on, although I have not fact-checked that. You can just entertain yourself with the ridiculous antics of this disgusting presidential campaign since everyone out there is behaving like toddlers. We love you anyway you are. Always in your corner — S3

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  2. I can’t believe it Jos. Childhood disease, middle age disease, adult disease – you have had them all, what else is there? I’m so sorry you have to deal with the cocksacker after everything else you have gone through. Hope you recover from this quickly so you can get back to your bucket list. Iceland sounded like a blast. Love Lynn and Carolee

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  3. I don’t know how you make such horrible things seem funny!! I hope you go into pre adolence fast but hopefully you won’t get acne!!

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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  4. Dam….looks like you’d be on fire…. Well….keep them out of your mouth??? I guess. Interesting that they would qualify your immune system. So you’ve been exposed….and that’s what we do with kids, we expose them to chicken pox when their siblings have it so they can get it young. Not fun at 53. How do we do this with you? Huh….rub sick babies until you get a more adult immune system? Shit that bits….but glad you have an immune system to work with. Hugs..and very cooool cream for your poor tootsies.

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  5. OK Jos this blog is LOL many times over!! I’m sorry you have to deal with such toddler medical issues. Can’t wait to see what happens during puberty!! You have such a great attitude! We all can learn so much from you! Take good care!

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  6. R U kidding!!!???? Just when you think you’re on a healthy roll this sh__ happens?
    And you have humor? U r not human. You are super human. My hat and clean feet are off to you. Hope you heal fast from this latest set back. lol, Marie (OSB contact)

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  7. Congratulations on being a cocksacker! You are not alone. Many who have gone before you have suffered the same fate.
    You are woman we hear you roar: I am a cocksacker. Listen up manures Todd!! Oh , you already know first hand. That puts my mind at ease.
    Feel better soon. Although this scourge will pass, to me you will always be my little Cocksacker.
    Love, Bart

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  8. Of course It Should be “nurse” Todd in my post above. Crazy auto spell.
    Is there a way to edit a post after submitting? This post post will have to do.

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  9. Well at least you know what you have. Sometimes it cost tens of thousand dollars to get a name. Maybe having a childhood disease will give you extended days on this earth..Gee you might live to be a hundred. I wouldn’t enter a right-foot beauty contest just now. keep up your blog it gives me experience with a different writing style. Bob

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  10. Wow. You are one tough cookie. Hoping this will be a short challenge and your last one. Say hi to Todd. See you guys at Tyler and Sharrahs wedding. Love ya

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  11. OMG So sorry to hear Jos! It sounds awful
    ! I hope it clears up fast! But, there are worse things than being a cocksacker!!!

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  12. You are hysterical and my hero for your strength in your unbelievable health journey. Praying for you always! Love you!

    Sent from my iPhone

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  13. Ohhhh Noooooooo!!! Sorry to hear about this, but what a hilarious take on such an awful situation. Love your delivery of this news. Now get better!!! xo

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  14. Amelia picked up the Hand Foot and Mouth Disease from school and Ryan got it too…It didn’t affect Amelia as bad as Ryan…Hope you are better soon..xxoo

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  15. I NURSED YOU THROUGH MUMPS, MEASLES, CHICKEN POX, SORE THROATS, SEVERAL COLDS, ET. BUT NEVER COCKSACKER! hope your feet are better! they loo0k itchy!!! xo mom

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