So after gearing up for a horrific 4 days of shaking, baking, barfing and feeling sh*tty, I am stoked and thrilled that I am not having much of a reaction to the ATG horse antibody infusions. They have given me lots of great pre-meds to help ward off any of the nausea problems. They are not giving me anything to guard against growing a mane, tail, forelock, hooves, or withers, however, so I am quite concerned about an equine transformation. I have a private nurse who literally sits next to me for the 6-hour infusions to watch for any rejection symptoms and to take vitals every 30 minutes. She has an emergency kit of drugs to plunge into my bod if need be. So far, the first three nurses have been pretty bored, which has been great news for me. With three infusions down, I am heading down the home stretch tomorrow 🙂
No, it’s not been the ATG that’s f-ed with me, it’s been this damn lung infection and now, the newest gate to clear: abnormally low heart rate. You CANNOT be serious! (insert John McEnroe’s voice) It’s been dipping into the 30-somethings per minute and as usual, everyone is concerned. I had two EKG’s yesterday and another today and I will be wearing a holter monitor for 24 hours that will give my newest team member, cardiologist Dr. Y, a continuous report of my heart rate. I have been monitored with the most ANNOYING ass wipe alarm that blasts every time I drop below 40 beats per minute. Yesterday was like one loooooong continuous beep. Dr. P is thinking I may have to move to the fourth floor, where they have heart-monitoring beds. I don’t want to move! I really like my KANPSBAFH (Kick Ass Negative Pressure Sterile Bubble) and all the awesome nurses I have gotten to know and have made my hectic stay pleasant.
BOTFUC! (Bring On The F-ed Up Complications) Now the 2 trick pony is to get the little f-er that’s messin’ with my lung and to find out why my heart is pumping like an old donkey and not a thoroughbred. TPMNAAFAHNAA (They Promised My New Antibodies Are From A Horse, Not An Ass)
Here’s a peek at my Saturday night/Sunday morning from hell: 9-11:30pm – blood transfusion, 9pm – vitals, 9:30pm – vitals, 10pm – vitals, 10:30 – vitals, 11pm – vitals, 11:30pm – vitals, 11:30-12:30am – Voriconazole infusion, 12am – vitals, 12:30am – vitals, 12:35 left to “sleep” (this is code for lying in bed, closing your tired eyes, and settling into…. a bevy of woodpeckers trying to peck their way out of the IV pumps 10 inches from your head competing for loudest aggravating noise of all time against alarms going off for low heart rate followed by a nurse constantly coming in to take your pulse), 4am – blood cultures drawn, vitals, 4:30am – left to “sleep” again, 6am – EKG. Not all nights are this eventful, but that f-ing 4am blood draw is written in stone, along with the f-ing woodpeckers pecking pecking pecking pecking PECKING! NTIFTBDAT (Night Time Is For Tests, Blood Draws And Transfusions) NO sleeping allowed.
I’ve received several platelet and blood transfusions already during my stay, including the ever-popular middle of the night version, because my blood counts remain in the tank. In fact, just yesterday, IBMWBC! (I Blutarsky-ed My White Blood Cells) For those non-Animal House affectionados, that’s a 0.0 score.
Dr. P thinks I’m retaining too much hydration fluid, so he has ordered a special little pill I now affectionately call DPPP (Dr. P’s Pee Pill). It works! The only problem is that I’m connected to 4 IV pumps 24/7 that I need to constantly unplug and take with me to the little girls’ room.
Now a little on my approved diet. I’m on the “bacteria free” diet, which rules out ANYTHING except what’s printed on their special menu. Limited choices. Limited flavor. Limited appeal. Limited taste. Limited chance I’ll be stoked after a 3 week stay. Yes, my friends, ABFHDB (A Bacteria Free Hospital Diet Blows)
My docs are not allowing anyone to visit me except healthy immediate family members. Todd and my parents have been here in their Haz Mat gear everyday to keep me company. Today my brother, Leason, donned the mask and gloves as well, and my dad brought supplies for a group design project to occupy our time in a constructive and creative way during my 6 hour ATG horse transformation I mean infusion. This weekend Mychaela joined the group and they presented me with a small collection of equine friends to adorn my bubble, which joins Todd’s awesome sign he brought and immediately installed 🙂